"Judge Me,"

 she said, with venom.  With the meaning of ripping wings off a freshly spawned phoenix.  As if she even owed an explanation.


I have many unpublished posts from late:

"Tao of Fehu" was about power.  Decided to not publish because everyone would figure out who that was about, and I'm not done on hope with them yet.

"Tell Me A Story" was personal.  Mostly about Lilith and Samael.  Unpublished because it mixed RL & SL and was never good enough for such a battle of deformation (when it was more intended as an adoration piece, but likely -and sadly- would never be interpreted as such).

"Sell Me This Pen" was a mock to see if I could write about something dry and straightforward.  I didn't like it and decided that job wasn't worth it anyway, so everyone can just go fuck off with that.

"Fuck You" was a piece about the plague pandemic and how everyone being forced to take the vaccine or wear a mask, somehow sarcastically relates to how doctors can force women to get pap smears every year (just so she can get the pill -because men are too selfish to get vasectomies).  Go figure, on why I didn't publish that very complicated and backward insult that nobody would quite get.

"Wouldn't It Be Nice" was a fictitious tale of love I was going write, along the same lines of selling you a pen that I also didn't care to.

One of these was actually published, ignoring my own personal rules of pictures and "I can't fucking read this!" links, but with a purpose.

"Come At Me, Bro" is a collection of commentary on the unnecessary flack I get from fishing and/or my ranks, but as it treads on violating the TOS, I obviously didn't publish it (however, it is ready for that right moment, should an unjust/stupid ban ever come to fruition).

...I just find that I seem to be more at peace with myself lately than ready to spew my normal thought-provoking toxin.  I enjoy fishing and weekly sales more than I do anything else lately.  Lucky you.  Although, perhaps one day I would feel the calling to actually publish those posts.

But as one of my posts from over a year ago was brought to my attention as some sorta prophetic gospel, from not really a fan, but more of a judgemental stalker... I just thought I'd take a few moments to point out that: 

• I'm not dead.  I'm not thwarted, either.  I am Majik.
• You do not own me, I am my own entity that cannot be bribed in any way.  I do not work for you or anyone else.  
• An uncontrollable spirit of creativity possesses me and takes over to communicate whatever it wants.  
• I will not be cut up, smooshed into a specific cookie-cut shape, or molded to fit whatever reflection pleases you.  I am uncensored and like it that way.  
• I do have the final say, however.  Some is published and shared.  Some is not.  
• And in the journalistic interest of getting things right the first time, as well as seeing growth, I do not take anything down.  Retractions may be done, if necessary, but no editing on published articles.
• I have many posts.  Some controversially outweigh the others in some huge twist of irony... Or perhaps, more likely, I am undecided on a definite stance.  The fact that you pick out one in the midst of many, says how superficially narrow and unworthy you are of judgment, however.

I am willing to live with those consequences.  Anyone who cannot appreciate those notions, doesn't deserve me entertaining them.  And likewise, you have the right to take yourself elsewhere and very simply not entertain me either.

I'll also refer you back to the Home-Page and Archives for purpose and timeline.

---> I can't fucking read this!

Don't... Read It

Doubletake?

Meybbe.  Moving on...

Ah, so I guess you're going to read this anyway?  Well, then, you asked for it!  ...Don't come bitching to me about how it got your panties in a wad later ('cause I really don't give a fuck, TBH)!  xD  This particular entry has been a LONG time coming, and is so very deserving.

...Well, let's see what was earned...

Essential manual labor work during a pandemic is a double-edged sword.  

Several years ago, I chose the type of job I do, because I have been very abused and made very angry in the earlier part of my life...  I find that if I have a purpose like "getting paid to go to the gym," I get to not only release everything negative in a productive way that helps my community, but also, mainly utilizes basic human mechanics to both stimulate and exhaust me to the point of sleeping better and therefore function at my best.  It is like the holy grail of medicine.

However, I find myself in a constant state of overwhelming exhaustion lately.  Like, I seriously, seriously have been fucked with enough.  My spoons get restored on a daily basis, and I am genuinely happy (more so lately than usual), I promise.  But can everyone not find something better to do with their time and energy than to take from others during this very stupid part of history?  I mean ...nobody else is trying to cope by ignoring this (or even "giving it up to God") until we see the light at the end of the tunnel??

Now, there will always be some bullshit in every generation.  Wars, famine, etc. ...And, in this instance, plague.

Not having your shit together because we're "still learning" about this 'rona disease, has been particularly fun.  "...Maybe we should wear masks," turned into, "...Wearing a mask makes you touch your face more, so don't," and then into, "...If you don't wear a mask, you will be fined..."  At one point, the CDC website did take me to the OSHA website, where it basically explained that if you are winded at your job, you are allowed to temporarily make your mask into a chin diaper (that, of course, everyone took advantage of and fucked it all up for those of us who work even more than 6 feet apart from one another ...so now we must all wear a muzzle at any given time).  Everything changing all the goddamned time and nothing staying solid or reliable, induces this crazy herd mentality of madness via distrust, and especially those very lovely and helpful conspiracy theories.  :p 

But you know, watching CNN every millisecond will also make you insane.  I mean, where do you draw the OCD Howard Hughes line?  There's no way I can strip from my car to the house.  Fuck you.  ...But, I mean, I will take a shower every time I come home, take vitamins to the point where what I leave in the toilet is so nuclearly neon that one can observe it from, say, Mars, and drink orange juice to the point where the enamel on my teeth rots and fucks me financially (oh, well, can't do anything since the dentist is prolly shut down again too).  *shrugs and gives the finger*  

Plus news is so skewed (by funding and political agenda --OMG a fucking election year, & WTF, the shit Trump got away with) these days, you have to find a good underground stream or listen to it in another language to get some of the very vulgar and actual truth.  So, there's really no point or easy solution there, either.  

Nobody knows their ass from a hole in the ground.  It's almost too much research, depending on funding motivation, and I don't think we're all smart enough to think of things like Animal Farm, 1984, or Fahrenheit 451, because nobody read it on social fucking media lately!  *rolls eyes*

Not to mention that it's all a game of telephone or projection from the miserable quarantine/isolation abyss vacuum.  ...I once thought that since I traveled thru the neighborhood of PTSD enough times, that those who were more used to a "normal" life, would maybe look to those like me for some type of guidance or leadership during these very traumatizing days.  ...Nope!  LOL  Like, I dunno, fuck it, it's a map that something not-of-this-realm gives to you and the only way out, is very personal (or at least, that's what all the "higher functioning" know-it-alls or know-it-betters will believe until they are broken down and desperate enough to possibly listen).  "...But look at all the material and accomplishment clout that I have over you.  Why would I possibly be wrong or ever need to listen to someone like you?"  LOL, ok.  Have fun with your shallow illusions while a few of us might take the more arduous but quicker journey to enlightenment.  xD

Outstanding taboo treasures thus far... 

1. BLM riots outweighing squelching the spread of a virus by social distancing?  ...No, really, I know.  What's been happening is very shameful, indeed, and DOES need to stop.  And it's never going to be that "all lives matter" (because I'm not gonna fall into that stupid political semantic "schooled" trap crap or play the privilege game, but you know WTF I mean by everyone needing to be equal)...  Seriously, tho, cabin fever outweighing the WHOLE human race, is very telling (like, bigger picture ... as in, our triage order is skewed, and we ARE fucking ...doomed... like, on top of the original "doom sin" fucked).


2. Wanna know how even more fucked it was?  Retail workers went from being heros, providing food and entertainment to a community during quarantines and lock-downs (after somehow miraculously recovering the global supply chain from all the shelves being WIPED during the panic hoarding)... to having to barricade windows/entries and pray ...Black and whites (and browns, hell, the whole fucking rainbow), all alike...  Praying for safety, and that the essential job which had not been taken from them by the pandemic, would somehow survive the destructive riots, too.  ...Not to mention a punishment curfew, which endangered everyone's lives even more, by clusterfucking them all together in a small window of time to get any essential shit done.  "...But George Soros paid us and ANTIFA gave us bricks."  Yeah.  No.  Anarchy is only a fun concept when you're a teenager feeling safe enough to feel full of angst.  Poor, selfish, ungrateful, desperate, self-defeating fucktards, biting the supply hand that feeds.  I get it, but again, bigger picture triage.


3. "If we could just have a vaccine, this could all go away.  Oh, please, Gawd, please, let there be a vaccine..."  Okay, so there's a 'rona vaccine (amazingly, somehow before a cure for cancer, AIDS, or herpes)...  "Well, wait a minute, I don't want to be the guinea pig!"  ...Wait... WTF?  All those pharmaceutical companies are under a HUGE global microscope...  Like they're REALLY gonna wanna fuck this up to epic proportions... again?  "...No, wait, they're gonna require that we have a vaccine to be able to go to work."  Well, then that would mean that work or the gov't is gonna pay for it.  "...Well, wait, they're gonna put microchips in the vaccine to keep track of us."  ...No, you half-assed wit, if they wanted to do that, they would've done that with something like the chickenpox or flu vaccine a long damned time ago!  Besides, where's the man-power or funding for all of that?  --It already went to China and stimulus packages (and the more trusted, virtual L$ continues to inflate)!  "...Well, news sources are not reporting the recovery numbers (that hospitals are required to report), which are much higher than the death numbers.  Insurance companies get paid more if they put COVID on the death certificate.  So is the virus a global hoax, then?"  Uhm.  You know what?  I don't fucking care at this point.  I can hardly keep up with little things like, "What did I eat for breakfast?" or, "WTF did I come in this room for?"  Just... up the anty until we all no longer have to worry about shit, and see what happens, fuckers!

...Yeah, see, none of it makes any sense and is all dumb, plus I find it ironic, on so many levels.  Statistically, we are all unavoidably destined to get 'rona at some point.  That's why it's just as allegorical to be wearing a fucking plague doctor mask at this point.  ...Go down like a warrior?  No chance anymore, everything's fucked.  ...Alright, go down an eccentric artist?  Okay, fuck all, eccentric artist warrior, all in.  \m/  ...LOL

The even bigger picture is that we're all gonna die at some point anyway (and in the end, you can't take it all with you).  We ultimately have NO control over when or how that will happen.  Sure, you can reduce your chances by not smoking, not having unprotected sex, wearing a mask, and all that.  But ultimately, when your number is up, it's up, motherfucker.  Variables are things we may not fully comprehend, like prayer or the mind-over-matter thing.  But you know... on that hand... might as well grab life by the balls and enjoy it while it lasts (while not being a complete douche).  Like, do it the right way, with respect, but think outside the box.

...This very stupid rant-vent is brought to you by my own personal RL experiences and opinions that have been building up for about a year now (yeah, I'm so sick of all this dumb shit and am glad the Otherbeing succubus in me, that has defected from the human race, hasn't been completely affected and demotivated by this bullshit, LOL)...  

AND this was also exacerbated by a catalyst that I thought was a friend, but, unfortunately, like many of the toxic ppl I have come across in SL, they never took the time to get closer to me other than superficially (thus turning out to prove my snob theory on her, correct).  Walking on eggshells, does not a friend make.  

...Need you more evidence?  

Well, apparently, where she lives, ppl have problems wearing masks, to the point where she is extremely bothered by her lack of control.  While she advertises in her profile that she has "a smart mouth and a sarcastic wit," that creativity is apparently only hypocritically reserved for her to utilize.  ...She asked me how I've been coping.  ...BTW, never ask for shit you don't wanna know the answer to.  And if you do, but act like an ass anyway, you're not a friend, you're setting someone up for a displacement power-trip.  I very much thought that someone of that intelligence would get my rather Roseanne-like humor.  Instead, she asked to change the subject.  

So, okay, fair enough, I told her about how I mentioned her in my blog, but wasn't sure if she ever saw it.  She responded that she doesn't really read such things.  Curious, because a good writer will arm themselves by reading a lot, particularly when they seem otherwise thrilled to have been mentioned in someone else's work, beforehand.  But then she ended the conversation abruptly, by logging almost immediately after asking me "how often" I "update this blog anyway..."

Yeah, okay...

1. I'm not really sorry about being too busy to write because I'm thanklessly exhausted from doing an essential job during a bullshit thing that everyone wants to nit-pick for illusionary pieces of control over.


2. I'm also not sorry that I didn't disclose to the whole fucking planet that the badass computer I was gifted, only lasted 4 months.  ...Yeah, it had to be replaced.  During your fucking stay-at-home pandemic, one of those rare asshole storms hit the power twice, ignored the surge protector, and eventually killed the beast from 2013...  It started with the data drive going out.  Photoshop only worked when I first turned on the computer and then it gradually got slower and shitter to use, the more the session went on.  A TRUE punishment and torture for trying to do anything crafty.  Then one morning, after coming back from work and having it run okay the night before, it decided to get stuck in a reboot loop, never turning the screen on or ever actually powering up ...and absolutely BROKE my very spirit...  Because that was my one happy thought.  ...See, you prolly got actual RL kids and family and shit to stick around for.  That's nice.  Fuck you.  I don't.  I have no tangible ties to your fucked up rock called "Earth."  Mostly by choice, because it would be too shitty to put this painful experience onto any other essence.  ...You're welcome!  xD  \m/


3. ...Thankfully, the very same wonderful BF, who gifted me his old Maingear computer, helped me buy this new one.  Basically same specs, just fans instead of a water cooling system, but that's because I needed it ASAP.  Time also elapsed while equipment arrived.  CD RW drives & HDMI hook-ups are apparently, obsolete now (and yeah, I don't want to get myself into a very similarly irritating and frustrating LL cloud/uplift/fart project --for the very same reason I trust reliable manuals over someone being able to easily jack/control a keyless entry cookie-cutter POS).  


4. Speaking of, it gets better... The old computer miraculously turned back on, and I managed to save all the files I had been working on for 4 months, onto my external drive.  ...But wouldn't you know that the external drive is so old ...I've had it since the $3k MacBookPro (that almost instantly turned into a very expensive paperweight)... that the damned thing is in RAW format while the new computer is NTFS.  So yeah, those files are now trying to be extracted by the 2-hour away shop that I trust more than my luck at this point.  Needless to say, a 2TB external drive has also arrived so that this shit never happens again.  Holy fuck.


5. So I dunno... To the "friend" who "doesn't read such things" but evidently needs me to speak their language ...Does "Earthy" and "nerd" ever mix on your level, or were you just born with that golden spoon?  Like, ok, much like your last words to me... Why don't you ponder the fact that if you REALLY wanna reach more than a certain hoity-toity fake crowd that only admires high school honors class levels of writing with your $20 words, you should stop acting like a total entitled stiff and write like how ppl actually talk --you know, to better connect with and reach EVERY audience type, once in a blue moon-- and put your $ where your well-rounded mouth should be - sucking my big, fat metaphorical cock from your high and mighty shimmering precipice, shoved so far up your rectum that it seems to be affecting your cranium?  ...Oh, wait, I'm sorry, I forgot that your gimmick is to just be a beautiful blither of a dream that disappears once someone wakes, not to actually be real or anything.  That's cool, then.  Nevermind.

MmMmm, whatever, the only possible positive here is that it did cause me to finally update my blog!  xD

But seriously, tho, it's not just her... This behavior is sadly, more and more rampantly becoming the whole of SL.  Damaged.  Power-trippy.  Displacing.  Toxic.  Worse since the pandemic.  She's just the last-straw scapegoat.  I'm deeply disappointed by her contradiction to my belief that our friendship mattered.  ...But, also feel free to apply my words to yourself if you have ever tried to screw with someone's genuineness before.  Do some serious introspective soul searching and think really hard (I believe you owe yourself that much).  Not everyone is as self-aware as they should be, or even realizes that they project deeply embedded and horribly fucked up behavior onto others.  Either way, I don't need things like that living rent-free inside my head, as there's a higher priority of things taking up some great real estate right now (for everyone at the moment, I do believe).

...Yeah, I kinda did regard Philip Rosedale's original intention to pioneer a promising future by providing a virtual reality platform (I think it's especially an amazing tool to have during a fucking pandemic where everyone is stuck at home) ... And yeah, it's arguable that SL isn't necessarily toxic, but that primal, catty, territorial humans actually are.  Just something so very real about SL seems to bring out the very basic and icky nature of humanity?  I dunno, should we study this for how RL could be fixed too?  *kah-fucking-boom*

But yeah... I can't end this like that, tho, for the rest of you who do earnestly still give a damn, despite everything.

Yes, I will call you out on your shit and make you think.  You likely earned it.  However, I would expect the same from you, because I'm not done learning until I am finally released.  But ultimately, I forgive you all.  I need no bounding karmic ties to Earth.  We are all helpless and fragile.  Perhaps in the next realm, everything won't be such a challenge.  Perhaps the bandwagon will eventually catch on and make it better in the long run, for every direction.  There's bigger fish to fry, you know.  The multiverse is just the beginning.

Take your Chi... use that kinetic energy to just focus on improving yourself and run with that.  It's very infectious.  Go back to basics if need be... Eating, sleeping, bathing, exercise.  Repeat.  Until you get so bored you do something creative (that is healthy).  The important part of the majik is that YOU enjoy it.  Give gifts too, nobody in their right mind is gonna look a gift horse in the mouth.  You will inspire others and lead us to the light on the other side of this.

Thank you for not being a deliberate asshole.  

But if you are, for some reason, please feel free to re-read that which should not need to be.

---> I can't fucking read this!

Why RL Sucks *SO FUCKING MUCH* Outside of SL or Work...

...Yeah, even tho I get banned and abandoned from so many different relationships in SL.

One of the reasons I work graveyard shift is because I absolutely hate ppl.  They are mean to me, for the most part, and not worth going thru the annoying things I have to do to endure or sustain any experiences with them (like eating, bathing, or even expelling waste, and sleeping sometimes).

This week, I am off from RL work.  For some reason, I woke up early, like around 11AM.

Dad calls me about half an hour after I awake.

I'm thinking he'll help me, as he usually does, but particularly with anchoring the shelving units we got from IKEA the other day (so I can finish unpacking into my house -it's only been since the end of January that I've been here, OMG, and I have less shelving space for breakables than I did at the last residence).  ...I can prolly anchor the shelves myself, I just... thought that he would help me since we did most of this project together, and I would hate to screw this up for how expensive these items were + how scared I am to "wreck" the house I am renting.

He wants to meet in 45 minutes to go to lunch.

I talk him into an hour, because I haven't bathed in a few days and my hair needs to be re-straightened from all the sleeping and sweat that has curled it.

This took some doing, because I pissed him off the other week when he came to help ...because I had no idea he was coming and I needed to wash my hair and then straighten it... which, I normally do on days I don't have anything else to do ...because this is a long, annoying process and undertaking, with many breaks to compensate.

He allowed me to straighten my hair that day... But he was pissed that I didn't understand we weren't leaving to go out to eat right away:

When he arrived, I went to the bathroom (as I always do before I leave). 

By the time I got out to the gate to get in his car, he was about to drive away.  He didn't understand that I misunderstood that he had things to deliver to me first, before we left.  He said he waited 5 minutes for me to answer the door after he called, in the rain (the locks on the gates were his idea, and I have no doorbell - which I love). 

He said he also wanted to surprise me with these things he had for me.

The things he had for me were a kitchen dining table and chairs.

I told him before that I was not ready to accept them, because I still hadn't unpacked and put things away... And more importantly, my landlord was coming the next day to help fix something... so I didn't want more clutter to offend them.  I'm in a special housing program that's pretty strict.  I could probably get kicked out for ...anything.

So he angrily took the table and chairs back into his car and drove away... Yelling and stomping and causing a scene for the neighborhood.

Later I find out, he gave them to someone else because he "thought I didn't want them."  It upset me very much, because I *DID* want them.  I just had no room for them.  But you see, this is my punishment for not doing things his way... in my own house... that I should be master of... but it is more important to know my place in life, I suppose.

After that experience with my Dad that day, I call my so-called-BF to ...not feel better (because I know better)... but to reinforce the stupid masochism of my horrible life... Because his regular tirade of emotionally abusing me (which he fondly refers to as "scorching the Earth") is to break up with me every time we talk (probably to control me), call me a "piece of shit," a "cunt," a "hyprocrite," + says, "fuck you," to me nonstop, constantly tells me to "lose his number," all while yelling non-stop (and to get pissed if I interrupt him or say more than 3 sentences - which is hard to do... to put thoughts into such concise and strict parameters, especially when they don't matter anyway). 

...Dr. Phil delved into this on one episode, where a guy was emotionally abusing his GF (and mother of his child) like this... because he had been abandoned when he was a child (by his father), and he was therefore always putting his GF "to the test."

Why am I with him?  I have no idea now.  I thought he loved me, because the only men I can attract ... once they find out I'm on disability, they don't care that I'm high-functioning, take advantage of the $ for a bit, and then eventually leave.  Whereas my so-called-BF I've known for over 10 years, has never taken advantage of me monetarily, actually helps me with things I am not able to figure out, and therefore I think this is the best thing I could ever have of romantic love. 

...Whatever, I've been emotionally abused all my life, I'm kinda like, thinking, this is all humanity has to offer... so I better just get used to it and make the best of it.  

So anyway...

Today, Dad brings me food again!  Yay!

I am very grateful!  I start to put it away ASAP... because I appreciate it, and I like to take care of things right away.

Dad gets mad that I am wasting time doing this, he insists that he is hungry and I can do this later.

...I tell him it will only take a second.

I hit my head on the freezer door that swings like an old western saloon door, because I am short.  I yell, mostly to myself and to transfer that energy outside of myself.

Dad starts making fun of me and makes angry cat noises.

I tell him to stop because he's not making things better.

He continues.  I guess he wants to feel dominant.

Moments later, I take the huge box of soda and punch it to open it and stick it into the fridge.

He accuses me of being aggravated.

I explain to him that I am not aggravated, but his accusing me of being so, was definitely making me aggravated.  (And, hello?  I stock freight for a living... this is how you open a box)  But I guess a chick "doing manly things" (and not wearing a corset) is "bad."

...He gets pissed and waits in the car.

I noticed earlier that the houseplant I took outside (because it was otherwise putting bugs inside the house), has been blown over in the wind and made an awful mess on the porch.  So I now try to hastily clean it up a little bit.  Also, my landlord has left me something... and now I'm all worried that they saw that mess, so I am embarrassed.

I get into Dad's car, and he runs an errand first.  I note that he has the patience to run an errand first before eating, but not for me putting away groceries.

After he finishes, I offer him coupons for the place we're going to eat at, to try and make things better, and because I, unfortunately, forgot all about them within all the stress I was dealing with earlier...

He angrily says no.

We get to the restaurant and are about to order.

He asks me what I want.

I tell him I do not know, and ask him what I am able to get.

He starts to get angry in front of the person taking our order, says I know better, and can have anything I want.

I immediately explain to him that he's overreacting to me punching a box to open it.

He says there was soda in there and I could've made a mess.

And I'm like, duh... I've stocked soda before, Dad.

He insists he doesn't like how I talk to him or treat him ...and I'm clueless as to what I did wrong... I think this is all a pity show for the public now.  There is never any way for me to win.

We eat.

I go outside to smoke.

I text my so-called-BF about what happened.

My so-called-BF calls me (because he HATES texting), I have to answer the phone because he gives me even more shit if I don't, and starts ranting about his day.

I explain to him that I care, and want to know, but I cannot talk now because I'm with my Dad, which is why I texted.

My Dad is still pissed when I go back inside.  He doesn't even wait for me to refill my soda before he leaves for the car (I honestly thought that he just acted cranky because he hadn't eaten).

Dad drops me off at my house, gives me some gift cards for work from Mom.

I say thank you.  I leave.

He doesn't stick around to help me with what I thought was more important... anchoring the shelves to the wall or helping me check on how to use the swamp coolers (which he had been wishy-washy about for a while, but I guess he changed his mind when my landlord said I could Google it).

I text Mom thank you.  I also explain to her what happened in another text.  She never answers me.  She always fucking hates me and loves my sister.  She projects and insists I'm a Borderline, when that's not my diagnosis, but I have been told by many doctors that she's the poster-child for BPD.

I call my so-called-BF back to find out about his day.

He immediately wants to talk about my day, so we do.

He says I should've just laughed everything off with my Dad, because it was all free and laughing it off was the best thing I could have done professionally.  He's right, but I can never think to do that in the moment.

He does eventually explain about the horrors of what's going on in his life.  I am sorry about the system he is fighting.  But he does this thing where he doesn't want to talk about it anymore... he just wants to vent, and doesn't want anything I have to offer in return (because that acknowledgment just pisses him off, for some reason ...fucking narcissist).

So... I'm all dressed for the day to do something... I ask him about how he said a few weeks ago that he would come over every week or so to help me unpack.  He overreacts and gets all bent out of shape, thinking that I'm trying to manipulate him (when really, I was just trying to figure out if that was still something he was offering).

He insists that when he called me a couple times during the week to get together, because I hadn't showered in days and was busy writing and creating, "I ignored him and didn't have the right to bring this up."  When, at the time, he led me to believe that this not-getting-together because of the circumstances was okay  ...That I was still loved and accepted  ...That he understood that since I couldn't finish unpacking, the only control I had over my life was to be creative and immerse myself in writing.

He starts on his tirade again.  Hangs up on me, insists he's going to ignore my texts.

I try to focus on better things... Like utilizing SL to make L$, writing a positive entry here (not this entry, obviously), doing some chores around the house...

I text my Dad thank you for the food & furniture anyway.

He says I'm welcome.

I ask him if he could still help me anchor the shelves and look at my swamp coolers.

He says he no longer has any time to do so until a couple days from now.

I thank him anyway.


...I think all this is why I feel the need to be so goddamned and vehemently equal to a man.  In retaliation for years and years of this kind of controlling bullshit of "putting me in my place."

It seems everyone important in my life likes to blame me for being toxic, that I am indeed the worst person on the planet... when really, all I do is breathe, fight for what's right, and ask for help occasionally.  I think what they're doing is called displacement.  And I've had such a shitty emotional life, that this behavior from others is ingrained in me to be the only thing I can attract.  I have no idea about the solution for it.  Even when I am alone, I still seem to attract ppl like this (tho, every once in a while, I have no idea how I get so lucky by actually having nice ppl in my life).

And the asexual thing, yeah, like no shit, men just never work out for me and are such blatant assholes to me.  ...To be expected to put-out to someone who either eventually leaves or says this kinda shit to you every fucking day is just like... Really?  Why bother?  There's no reward for me here.  Not even a small one.  Plus, I won't even delve into the PTSD I got from my parents when I lost my virginity, which only became public because they FUCKING OVERREACTED, BIGTIME.


BTW, Samael is not my so-called-BF I refer to in this entry.  I wish SL could expand into RL.  But even in that turn of events, evidence points to him only leaving his current GF for meaningless-taking-advantage-of-me sex, to only then go back to something more meaningful with her ...and then where would I be?

In SL.
Obviously losing all numbing pain that is my unfortunate and circumstantial reality.

Yup.

---> I can't fucking read this!