...Yeah, even tho I get banned and abandoned from so many different relationships in SL.
One of the reasons I work graveyard shift is because I absolutely hate ppl. They are mean to me, for the most part, and not worth going thru the annoying things I have to do to endure or sustain any experiences with them (like eating, bathing, or even expelling waste, and sleeping sometimes).
This week, I am off from RL work. For some reason, I woke up early, like around 11AM.
Dad calls me about half an hour after I awake.
I'm thinking he'll help me, as he usually does, but particularly with anchoring the shelving units we got from IKEA the other day (so I can finish unpacking into my house -it's only been since the end of January that I've been here, OMG, and I have less shelving space for breakables than I did at the last residence). ...I can prolly anchor the shelves myself, I just... thought that he would help me since we did most of this project together, and I would hate to screw this up for how expensive these items were + how scared I am to "wreck" the house I am renting.
He wants to meet in 45 minutes to go to lunch.
I talk him into an hour, because I haven't bathed in a few days and my hair needs to be re-straightened from all the sleeping and sweat that has curled it.
This took some doing, because I pissed him off the other week when he came to help ...because I had no idea he was coming and I needed to wash my hair and then straighten it... which, I normally do on days I don't have anything else to do ...because this is a long, annoying process and undertaking, with many breaks to compensate.
He allowed me to straighten my hair that day... But he was pissed that I didn't understand we weren't leaving to go out to eat right away:
When he arrived, I went to the bathroom (as I always do before I leave).
By the time I got out to the gate to get in his car, he was about to drive away. He didn't understand that I misunderstood that he had things to deliver to me first, before we left. He said he waited 5 minutes for me to answer the door after he called, in the rain (the locks on the gates were his idea, and I have no doorbell - which I love).
He said he also wanted to surprise me with these things he had for me.
The things he had for me were a kitchen dining table and chairs.
I told him before that I was not ready to accept them, because I still hadn't unpacked and put things away... And more importantly, my landlord was coming the next day to help fix something... so I didn't want more clutter to offend them. I'm in a special housing program that's pretty strict. I could probably get kicked out for ...anything.
So he angrily took the table and chairs back into his car and drove away... Yelling and stomping and causing a scene for the neighborhood.
Later I find out, he gave them to someone else because he "thought I didn't want them." It upset me very much, because I *DID* want them. I just had no room for them. But you see, this is my punishment for not doing things his way... in my own house... that I should be master of... but it is more important to know my place in life, I suppose.
After that experience with my Dad that day, I call my so-called-BF to ...not feel better (because I know better)... but to reinforce the stupid masochism of my horrible life... Because his regular tirade of emotionally abusing me (which he fondly refers to as "scorching the Earth") is to break up with me every time we talk (probably to control me), call me a "piece of shit," a "cunt," a "hyprocrite," + says, "fuck you," to me nonstop, constantly tells me to "lose his number," all while yelling non-stop (and to get pissed if I interrupt him or say more than 3 sentences - which is hard to do... to put thoughts into such concise and strict parameters, especially when they don't matter anyway).
...Dr. Phil delved into this on one episode, where a guy was emotionally abusing his GF (and mother of his child) like this... because he had been abandoned when he was a child (by his father), and he was therefore always putting his GF "to the test."
Why am I with him? I have no idea now. I thought he loved me, because the only men I can attract ... once they find out I'm on disability, they don't care that I'm high-functioning, take advantage of the $ for a bit, and then eventually leave. Whereas my so-called-BF I've known for over 10 years, has never taken advantage of me monetarily, actually helps me with things I am not able to figure out, and therefore I think this is the best thing I could ever have of romantic love.
...Whatever, I've been emotionally abused all my life, I'm kinda like, thinking, this is all humanity has to offer... so I better just get used to it and make the best of it.So anyway...
Today, Dad brings me food again! Yay!
I am very grateful! I start to put it away ASAP... because I appreciate it, and I like to take care of things right away.
Dad gets mad that I am wasting time doing this, he insists that he is hungry and I can do this later.
...I tell him it will only take a second.
I hit my head on the freezer door that swings like an old western saloon door, because I am short. I yell, mostly to myself and to transfer that energy outside of myself.
Dad starts making fun of me and makes angry cat noises.
I tell him to stop because he's not making things better.
He continues. I guess he wants to feel dominant.
Moments later, I take the huge box of soda and punch it to open it and stick it into the fridge.
He accuses me of being aggravated.
I explain to him that I am not aggravated, but his accusing me of being so, was definitely making me aggravated. (And, hello? I stock freight for a living... this is how you open a box) But I guess a chick "doing manly things" (and not wearing a corset) is "bad."
...He gets pissed and waits in the car.
I noticed earlier that the houseplant I took outside (because it was otherwise putting bugs inside the house), has been blown over in the wind and made an awful mess on the porch. So I now try to hastily clean it up a little bit. Also, my landlord has left me something... and now I'm all worried that they saw that mess, so I am embarrassed.I get into Dad's car, and he runs an errand first. I note that he has the patience to run an errand first before eating, but not for me putting away groceries.
After he finishes, I offer him coupons for the place we're going to eat at, to try and make things better, and because I, unfortunately, forgot all about them within all the stress I was dealing with earlier...
He angrily says no.
We get to the restaurant and are about to order.
He asks me what I want.
I tell him I do not know, and ask him what I am able to get.
He starts to get angry in front of the person taking our order, says I know better, and can have anything I want.
I immediately explain to him that he's overreacting to me punching a box to open it.
He says there was soda in there and I could've made a mess.
And I'm like, duh... I've stocked soda before, Dad.
He insists he doesn't like how I talk to him or treat him ...and I'm clueless as to what I did wrong... I think this is all a pity show for the public now. There is never any way for me to win.
We eat.I go outside to smoke.
I text my so-called-BF about what happened.
My so-called-BF calls me (because he HATES texting), I have to answer the phone because he gives me even more shit if I don't, and starts ranting about his day.
I explain to him that I care, and want to know, but I cannot talk now because I'm with my Dad, which is why I texted.
My Dad is still pissed when I go back inside. He doesn't even wait for me to refill my soda before he leaves for the car (I honestly thought that he just acted cranky because he hadn't eaten).
Dad drops me off at my house, gives me some gift cards for work from Mom.
I say thank you. I leave.
He doesn't stick around to help me with what I thought was more important... anchoring the shelves to the wall or helping me check on how to use the swamp coolers (which he had been wishy-washy about for a while, but I guess he changed his mind when my landlord said I could Google it).
I text Mom thank you. I also explain to her what happened in another text. She never answers me. She always fucking hates me and loves my sister. She projects and insists I'm a Borderline, when that's not my diagnosis, but I have been told by many doctors that she's the poster-child for BPD.
I call my so-called-BF back to find out about his day.
He immediately wants to talk about my day, so we do.
He says I should've just laughed everything off with my Dad, because it was all free and laughing it off was the best thing I could have done professionally. He's right, but I can never think to do that in the moment.
He does eventually explain about the horrors of what's going on in his life. I am sorry about the system he is fighting. But he does this thing where he doesn't want to talk about it anymore... he just wants to vent, and doesn't want anything I have to offer in return (because that acknowledgment just pisses him off, for some reason ...fucking narcissist).
So... I'm all dressed for the day to do something... I ask him about how he said a few weeks ago that he would come over every week or so to help me unpack. He overreacts and gets all bent out of shape, thinking that I'm trying to manipulate him (when really, I was just trying to figure out if that was still something he was offering).
He insists that when he called me a couple times during the week to get together, because I hadn't showered in days and was busy writing and creating, "I ignored him and didn't have the right to bring this up." When, at the time, he led me to believe that this not-getting-together because of the circumstances was okay ...That I was still loved and accepted ...That he understood that since I couldn't finish unpacking, the only control I had over my life was to be creative and immerse myself in writing.He starts on his tirade again. Hangs up on me, insists he's going to ignore my texts.
I try to focus on better things... Like utilizing SL to make L$, writing a positive entry here (not this entry, obviously), doing some chores around the house...
I text my Dad thank you for the food & furniture anyway.
He says I'm welcome.
I ask him if he could still help me anchor the shelves and look at my swamp coolers.
He says he no longer has any time to do so until a couple days from now.
I thank him anyway.
...I think all this is why I feel the need to be so goddamned and vehemently equal to a man. In retaliation for years and years of this kind of controlling bullshit of "putting me in my place."It seems everyone important in my life likes to blame me for being toxic, that I am indeed the worst person on the planet... when really, all I do is breathe, fight for what's right, and ask for help occasionally. I think what they're doing is called displacement. And I've had such a shitty emotional life, that this behavior from others is ingrained in me to be the only thing I can attract. I have no idea about the solution for it. Even when I am alone, I still seem to attract ppl like this (tho, every once in a while, I have no idea how I get so lucky by actually having nice ppl in my life).
And the asexual thing, yeah, like no shit, men just never work out for me and are such blatant assholes to me. ...To be expected to put-out to someone who either eventually leaves or says this kinda shit to you every fucking day is just like... Really? Why bother? There's no reward for me here. Not even a small one. Plus, I won't even delve into the PTSD I got from my parents when I lost my virginity, which only became public because they FUCKING OVERREACTED, BIGTIME.
BTW, Samael is not my so-called-BF I refer to in this entry. I wish SL could expand into RL. But even in that turn of events, evidence points to him only leaving his current GF for meaningless-taking-advantage-of-me sex, to only then go back to something more meaningful with her ...and then where would I be?
In SL.
Obviously losing all numbing pain that is my unfortunate and circumstantial reality.
Yup.
