Notes From Majik...: virtual reality

Greetings, all!

I've decided to participate in a PTSD/DVRE study! :)

PTSD Research RE: Desktop Virtual Reality Environments

...Why?
Well, having been here quite a while, I would love to use my experience to give back in a positive & meaningful way, to benefit any productive mental health cause.

Plus, the way things are going with virtual reality improvements like headsets and Sansar + gov't programs & benefits... wouldn't it be nice if one day VR became more integrated with the doldrums of RL? ...I know what you're thinking, "Nuuu! My SL world is my own, don't let the muggles fuck it all up!" Rest assured, "Naw... We've been here longer, we know what's up... At the very least, it'll give us abundant opportunities to network in more ways than you realize!" ;)

No, I mean why are you sharing this in your Blog, isn't this supposed to be anonymous?
Fuck you! :D
I creatively cheat!
...SL is anonymous, you douche ;)

And at this point, I've decided that I have nothing to hide and will be an open book --so read at your own [duh]scretion! ;D

What has been your experience with mental health?
*shrugs*
Meh, what is "normal?"

Evolution is so interesting ...it would be wonderful if society would catch the fuck up one day. ;)
<---Almost put a Dexter reference link there, LOL!

Anyhoo...
My talents expelled themselves at a ridiculously early age, as I lived vicariously thru characters in my own stories that I also illustrated ...You could say my childhood was so tumultuous that the most productive therapy was not psychotherapy, not hypnotherapy, not REBT/CBT, but LI. MHA + gov't benefits also helped me in many ways, to rebuild myself from the ground up, when I pressed the reset button in my late twenties. And yes, later on, I picked a manual labor career, which is also conducive to productively purging leftover anger + frustration.

Are you being paid for this?
Only via the shameless self-promotion & personal narcissism that goes on in my own head! LOL ;)

...But, yus, if you are so inclined, dropping those loose L$ into the lava lamp --->inworld (for any amusement I happen to bestow upon you) are much appreciated (and you'll get a random giftie in return as well)! :D
-Thankies!!!

Is this a real study?
Yup. Absolutely. @ a university within the USA ...Not going to divulge any more than that. *mumbles something about respect for research, the scientific method, and certain controls ...blah, blah, blah...

...And, OH, look, shiny!* :D

Alrighty, enough with the preamble... will you just get on with their real questions and your real answers already?
...I thought there was a deadline, but when I couldn't make that, the doctoral candidate told me it was okay ... And then when I gave up the 2nd time because of the RL holly-dates getting in the way, I saw their notice pop up in another mental health group just recently ... So I thought I might as well go ahead and finish this already + seal it with one of those infamous bat-heart kisses! ;) ...BTW, the answers are everywhere, even if in a round-about sort of way...

1) How did you first become acquainted with DVRE?
I became friends with a group leader at MHA. She's a smart lady, not your usual group leader (and, coincidentally, to this day, I'm still hoping [not just] MHA integrates things like SL to expand on meeting attendance & participation). About 12 years ago, she told me about this new place online called SL. I kinda blew it off at first, "yeah, yeah, I'll check it out," but when she brought her laptop to our frequent girls' gathering and couldn't pry herself away... It seemed intriguing, to say the least (I was seriously concerned for her and had to run my own experiment on this privately, afterward)!

Keep in mind, SL wasn't as awesome as it is now... So I left for about 5 years. But when another computer past-time I loved drastically changed things around (again *grumble*), I was *SO* glad to have recovered my SL password to give it another chance. ...And THAT, is when I got completely sucked in, because SO much had changed (...for the better, mostly)! :o ;)

2) Tell me about your avatar’s appearance. How does it reflect your thoughts about your Real Life personality or image?
I am a dark fae for those faint of heart... But, really, I am a succubus ...In fact, I am Lilith incarnate.

I look just as I do in RL (shape-wise and eye-color-wise). But I have unveiled how I truly am, via SL (as obvious RL-versus-SL physical differences = the horns, pointy teeth/ears, tail, and wings).

...Other than that, tho, also in SL:

•My hair is as long as I want it to be (currently, in RL, it's 1/2 the length it is in SL).

•My hair is also the red color I want it to be (however, in RL, the beauty school does a cool trick to make it a two-tone of red + black ...it's just phenomenally expensive... To which I just tell ppl in RL, "My hair is naturally red & black, I just get it dyed burnt orange with streaks of gray the rest of the year!!!"). ;)

•My skin is a Gothic pale (I often fear and am pissed at possible rosacea or lupus in RL).

•I have smexy tribal tattoos (none of which I would ever be able to afford in RL).

•The lip/fang piercings are just to enhance my pointy teeth, but the plentiful piercings in my ears just happen to bleed true in both realms (the only difference is that in RL I have 7 piercings in each ear, while in SL I actually have 8 in each ear to compensate for my very long elven ears + the very tiny/life-size jewelry). -I actually should've known better, because each piercing is a rite of passage ...in both realms, LOL!

•I am also hairless and blemishless (to correct the not-so-awesome RL version of me that God forgot to Photoshop).

My succubus fascination started eons ago, as I find women with evil-looking bat wings very pretty and symbolic. As a teenager, I painted and drew them all the time, as if these demons had actually possessed me with a calling. i.e. "Why do you draw such horrible things?" Nada might ask. To which, in my head, I would point to the roses I drew for her that she never framed and prolly ended up somewhere under her closet hoard. ...Oh, well. It was for the better anyway, as this is the path I was meant to take! ;)

I have always been a creative night owl, and I have always hated ppl for the most part (because they can be so mean; abandonment/rejection = kryptonite). Even before high school, I would come home, go to sleep, wait until everyone was in bed to come out of my room, then do homework for the rest of the night and then go to school (avoid, excel, rinse, repeat). Of course, this drove my parents nuts, to the point where I later honed my craft as someone working graveyard shift...

...My manual labor job, that I successfully turned into a career, ties into this as well. The job and the avatar seem to feed into one another. Not only does the occupation make me feel very powerful (being a small woman doing "a man's job"), and I, therefore, feel more akin to the succubus totem ... but also the succubus aspect indeed makes me feel more powerful at work (as if to empower me to say with just a mere look, "I'm a badass, not your normal everyday bitch off the street ... [fear me and stay the fuck outta my way]," while I do amazing things like lift and throw cases up to 70 pounds, over and over again, from at least 4 9-foot floats a night, that they call pallets, for starters)! ;D

There was a time when I felt completely and intensely obsessed/alienated (knowing lucidly, but burying it deep in the back of my mind, that it was just something "I full-heartedly believed in, to keep me 'sane' with RL"), like, "I really must be Lilith incarnate... being punished/trapped on Earth, walking amongst tortured souls," to the rebellious point where I "wouldn't advocate humans at all" and even gave up normal/annoying functions (like eating, sleeping, or even tried to give up going to the bathroom) ...all to faithfully separate myself from the mortal-muggles and return to my true demon form, of course! :p

...But that faded away when I gave ~~birth to my daughter--->~~ into my midlife crisis.

Meanwhile, I have always thought that if someone could allow the complexity filter in SL to render me to show my true self... It might prove (or at least positively reinforce) that I am attractive (both spiritually and physically). ...However, I find that Goth is an era long gone, and instead, I seem to unintentionally instill fear (thank you, Disney stereotypes, from the 80's and previous), and still have to deal with snobby bullshit all the same as in RL. *shrugs*

Oh, well... At least I like looking at my avatar (and yes, the succubi love looking into mirrors).

3) What are some of your favorite things to do in DVRE? Why are they your favorite activities? Do they have anything to do with your trauma or PTSD?
I like going to a Vinnie (Daallee is the sweetest!) or a Beth Show. These musicians are hilarious, and take me far the fuck away from everything uncontrollable, and leave me feeling carefree and renewed.

I also enjoy playing L$ earning games while writing. Kill two birds with one stone. Earn money (offset the cost of SL, and not feel so guilty about the incredible debt I'm in) + get to bleed all over a canvas, hoping someone else appreciates it too (and, therefore, my efforts are not necessarily in vein, heh).

Breedables are cool too (for the most part). I seem to get some income or exposure at least every other day with the sale of them. And breedables are simple, yet so hard to harness (I do like a seemingly obtainable challenge + stimulation).

Building, yes, that's absolutely fun too. ...I really need to learn Blender and Avastar... Just kinda overwhelming/frustrating when you can't devote your entire RL to SL. Other than that, I did enjoy building Zamargad and cannot wait until I can buy it all back and move forward with my identity.

All else fails, explore! ...I think I really need to do more of that! :)

4) What are some things you do not like in DVRE? Are there situations or items that trigger your PTSD?

I cannot stand indifference, invalidation without reasonable justification, when things are not fair or omitted for convenience (because it turns out that common sense just isn't that common), and when there's blatant and uncalled for disrespect... When things are not judged impartially or the rules have not been explained clearly beforehand (so that even a child could understand)... I loathe how the majority that I have run into, doesn't get that "we're all in it together," but furthermore advocate that it's "every man for himself."

...Some type of narcissistic, manipulative, bullshit, capitalism feeds this and it sincerely needs to DIE (condescending assholes who rule the world based on power and greed, and not experience or merit). Like, no wonder you do not find accounts as old as mine more often (everyone is making alts to start over with, because they've been traumatized into fleeing)!

If humans are ingrained as a social creature... And arguably the majority of ppl in a VR might not have major access to tangible society... Then WTF good are you, if you cannot lead by example (or have the humility to learn/grow)?

Transcendence would be nice... away from everything horrible Earth has to offer, don't you think? Can't happen unless some ppl take the initiative and break the mold. ;)

5) Do you have your own private place in DVRE? May I see it and take pictures? Tell me about your private environment.
I did. I would prefer to pretend that it still is, as it was, since that is exactly how it will go back to being in the not too distant future.
Here ---> is a free brochure (please feel free to utilize those pictures in it for Zamargad).

For now, I participate in cool things like decorating contests in other fantasy places in SL, and that makes me feel a little bit more like "home" (or my sense of self, artistically) is not all lost. ...I'm about to give birth to another blog entry about something I accomplished over the holly-dates. ;)

Oh, and, yes... A small snippet of what Zamargad was (and shall be again), can also be seen at ---> my premium home, if you wish to experience that.

6) Do you create items in DVRE? May I see some of them and take pictures? Tell me about them.

Yus. Samael and I own ^v^/<|;) (Bats Out Of Hats). We have a Casper HoloVend ---> inworld, and I can meet with to show you how that works, or maybe give you a tour (albeit small at this point). ...Most of the answer to this was mentioned in the previous answer, so I hope you don't mind if I move on...

7) How do you feel physically (in real life) while you are in DVRE? How do you feel (in real life) after spending time in DVRE? Describe your feelings as they relate to PTSD.
It depends on what is going on. Most of the time my breath is shallow and halted because I'm very involved + stimulated (& I'm also vaping). It is a bit of an addiction. "Afterwards" is always put off. Most of the time my mind races until I've laid in bed for 3 hours trying to sleep, and then I have to give in to doing something physically different for a bit (like ...going back to SL!), to only then try to sleep again. Vicious cycle.

For the most part, I do not necessarily experience PTSD in SL. I usually see SL as a place to hone some creative talents and socialize a bit. My trigger could be an evolved form of abandonment and rejection (like what I discussed in question #4). But I have been banned so many times now in SL, that the exposure therapy has just made the PTSD null.

However, the last time I was triggered was very recently by ---> this crap (a cascade of Linden Law, Ethical Law, and drama BULLSHIT -from both realms):

...Very simple... my first banning was ---> this.

Then, a certain influential person in another correlating fantasy set of sims/regions, encouraged me to go ahead and build Zamargad (tried to make me feel better about being banned from Faery Crossing). Let me join their reincarnated group of Elf Circle. I asked if when I was done with the Zamargad brochure, I could distribute it to their group. They said yes (even gave me notification rights).

Zamargad had the grand opening, the article got published, Treasure Quest customized a coin for us, and the brochure went out. Next thing I knew, I was banned from this correlated fantasy place too.

Fine ...Joined a mental health group to help me figure it all out.

A lot of time had passed (like a couple years). This group even began helping me with RL problems! :)

I had been dealing with a particular RL issue when, this certain influential person, unexpectedly joined the mental health group and showed up to a meeting I had attended.

I brought this issue to the meeting/group leader's attention.

They informed me that my "prestige/rapport" did not matter (because "everyone is equal" -?). Also, that there was "no conflict of interest" because "everyone is entitled to get the help they need." ...Even if maybe this person was only doing so to trigger me, based on evidence from a few others that have dealt with this manipulative person in the past as well -that the mental health group leaders refused to acknowledge, unless there was an actual restraining order or police report ... To which, I remember the riculous, "what was I supposed to do, get a rape kit done?" kinda jokes that were made about things that happened in a virtual reality platform! *facepalms*

The leaders furthermore did not care that I needed their group because I could not afford therapy in RL (like really, I'm about to get billed over $1K for blood tests because some assholes seriously don't know how to code for insurance). Instead of condoning the idea of letting me make an alt (to keep my sacred anonymity) + behaving respectfully and peacefully during all meetings (especially toward this trouble-making person to avoid conflict + allow them to get help), they insisted on "banning" me from meetings on the day this person wanted to go to them. They did not care about the days I could attend, despite RL work/sleep availability. ...The bottom line was that it's THEIR group, not mine (or anyone else's who would've fit the role of mental health consumer), and whatever they said ...went. Simply because it's THEIR group. ...And they can get away with it because they're "peer" support, not "professional" support. (Lordy, help me if I ever thought I would be stable enough to try my hand at becoming a mentor for them in the future, because that's ruined now!) :p

So, fine. I decided not to go to their meetings anymore (or at least for a little bit, as sometimes time can give everyone the gift of clarity). I looked for other places, but found this mental health group to be the most dominating one in all of SL.

I then give up. I immerse myself in productively distracting things (both SL & RL). Time passes (like a couple of months) and I feel good. ...Great, really!

Next thing I know, I'm going down uncharted territory with anxiety attacks that make me physically feel like I am falling. Yes, fucking falling! ...Residual adrenaline? Yeah, got blood work done, passed with flying colors (no diabetes, no magnesium deficiency).

Fucking scary!!!

...Currently, that person has "left the mental health group" (for reasons I have absolutely no idea of, other than they said they needed to update their viewer or something ...and yeah, I advised the leaders to check into it and make sure this person was alright), but... I am still banned from meetings on that person's day, in case they decide to show up. :o Ppl are strange sometimes, politics are horrible, and I guess I am maybe just lucky to still even belong to the group! :(

SoOoOo...

Sometimes you need a break from SL. Because usually when RL sucks, SL rawks (and vice-versa)... But when both suck and are hitting hard on a certain trigger, that you didn't even realize you had, that makes you feel absolutely powerless in both realms!

...Sometimes there's absolutely nothing you can fucking do, but acknowledge the weird physical symptoms, and then look forward to seeing what happens next...

...like a crazy, alienated bitch...

Welcome to [humanity &] SL!

LOL

8) What are the characteristics of people do you find engaging in DVRE? Are you friends with others in DVRE? Have you found it easier to make new friends in RL after making friends in DVRE?
If you think outside the box, are funny, kind, a leader, innovative, dare to dream & inspire ...then you're with me, kid! ;) ♥

I am friends with others. Both on SL, and beyond, especially with those who really matter (like adopted family -official or not). A lot of times you may find ---> this situation happening. I play it by ear. If you are in this with your whole heart, then I won't look back either ...let's make the world a better place together (or at least more enjoyable, LOL)! ;)

...Believe it or not, making friends in RL is a lot harder than in SL. ...I try to appeal to everyone, honestly. I can make a very entertaining conversation when standing in line or something, no matter what. But I do believe that because I work graveyard, it's hard to meet ppl + even fathom making friends. The ppl I work with, I would love to be closer to, but I learned long ago that it's not always a good idea to get too chummy with coworkers (& more importantly, I think they're all aware of that and play that back to me, maybe). :p So, meh. Not sure what to do about this catch 22 other than to just continue practicing/escaping + doing the best I can.

9) Who are your favorite creators or vendors in DVRE? Tell me why their creations appeal to you. Does their work speak to your PTSD feelings? Do these items reflect your thoughts about your PTSD?
I love Falln (they defined the genre of Gothic style clothing & accessories). I love Imagine (the best Alice In Wonderland type of garden accessories one could ever be proud to own). I love ASNers (a social networking site for all avatars, & the greatest place to find out about awesome things from all POVs). I love Carrie's Lingerie (the most exquisite & tasteful sexy clothing).

Unfortunately, these things are [pretty much] gone. Sometimes, it takes a keen eye to spot something very worthwhile. & a lot of the other times, the trend has veered from successfully hunting down that perfect diamond in the rough, to impulsively obtaining a blindly basic chakra item. :p

I do not necessarily believe anyone's work speaks to any PTSD I may have, or reminds me of it at all. Stuff in SL actually takes me out of that bubble. ...Now if I could just practice more impulse control, that might save me on the whole debt-tangent-thing! *rolls eyes and laughs*

Conversely, I also do not define myself by PTSD (I think that's a horribly demotivating thing for anyone to waste their time on). I do, however, feel that certain creative efforts speak to my style, character, & wave-length - as anything worthwhile should, for anyone, in fact! I enjoy these things for as long as they last, and they will never be forgotten or ever easily replaced by a new "manufactured" fad (although finding new styles are great too -and that does actually happen on occasion, as I do feel some new blog posts coming on!). :)

...Let it be known that I am just the type of person/demon who is willing to give as much dedication and appreciation to something that is made/done with my same kind of integrity. ♥

10) Tell me about how or if your activities and creations in DVRE might help ease your PTSD symptoms.
Well, of course, whenever you successfully accomplish a challenge, there's no greater feeling of self-worth/esteem/efficacy. :p :) ;)

---> I can't fucking read this!

Notes From Majik...

Sunday, December 29, 2019

Graffitiwear

The Particle Laboratory * Learning Center

PTSD Research RE: Desktop Virtual Reality Environments

Just who do you think you are?

Where in the omniverse was that again...???

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