•I like to be friends with everyone that I know well. --> here's where I briefly touch on that <--
•I like to feel as if I am liked and appreciated, even in "small" ways, like being friends.
•I also like to be amused.
•And I like to network.
•I never delete friends, everyone is valuable to me.
...I have found a lot of ppl in SL who do NOT feel the same. ...Perhaps you have too?
The last straw was this person who deleted me from their friends list, who was very influential, and who I also thought was very powerful (both as a fellow artist and "socially/politically"). Therefore, after I moved in RL, and things started to settle down a bit... when I tried to go back to regular SL things and found I no longer had the option to do so, it hurt very much. ...Rejection is not cool.
In her defense, she did say she only keeps close friends listed as her friends in SL, that SL was "just a hobby" to her, that she hadn't heard from me in 10 months (even tho that's not entirely true, as she did get a Christmas Newsletter from my family that kinda touched on how busy we were), and that "we didn't need to be on a list to be friends."
...But when I tried to explain how I felt at this perceived abandonment, she then accused me of trying to give her a guilt trip. ...Which wasn't my intention. I just wanted to be understood, and perhaps understand from her POV why I shouldn't feel the way this made me feel.
Unfortunately, it didn't end well.
So, in having experienced this quite a number of times in SL, I decided to research WTF.
Lindal has helped me with a few different advice things in SL (as she teaches a few wonderful classes, has responded to many forum post questions, and is generally a very helpful, informative, and kind person). So I decided to reach out to her, as a plea to wrap my mind around this whole not-so-serious-SL-friendship concept:
Okay, well, I know you are very wise, and have been around for a while. I have experienced some heartbreak, and I looked to your blog for some type of advice or explanation. I came across this one:
https://acrossthegridwithlindal.blogspot.com/2011/05/just-friendship-friendship.html#comment-form
This helps me understand why some people delete friends, why some folks do not want to have many, and what others who feel this way may think of others who would like to have a lot of friends.
The reason why I started researching this is that I'm conflicted.
I had a friend who meant a great deal to me, but I got deleted and it hurt very much (for the same reasons Inde basically says, however, perhaps this friend was just being polite and using this typical response as an excuse?). In the end, to me, it meant that they meant more to me, than I meant to them?...
Please help me to understand things here a bit better. There are several things that go through my mind when I'm added as a friend and then later deleted.
First I think about one of the major reasons this virtual reality was created... My favorite, being that disabled people who might not be able to converse with the real world very much (bedridden or some such), often rely on a place such as Second Life, to feel a bit more normal.
My avatar does look like me in real life (shape), enhanced by what I feel aligned to (a creature of night), and is also decorated by how I feel (what clothing I put on). There are also places on profiles to make notes as to who everyone is. Chat can even be logged, so you can go back into your computer and remember what was said (in case you do have a cognitive disability). There are even different colors you can make non/friend's text (even the Lindens' text). And I get that you don't need to actually be friends on any kind of social network to actually be friends... it's just, you know, nice, since we both have the same interests, I mean, why not?
I also think about what it really means to be friends with someone. For me, it means I have respect and a tiny bit of "love" for them... As in, I would never want this person to feel hurt, but if they did, I would try to cheer them up or be there for them... and good friends, I find do the same for me. No expectations, just nice to find people like that. Other kinds of friends offer an entertainment or learning value (these, you know not to take too seriously, but you do still appreciate them being around). But friendship also means that they may have the same values as I do, as in who I'd like to associate myself with, and hopefully, they think the same of me. I value friendship very much.
I can appreciate that unfortunately, most people do view this as a game, and nothing is really serious. I get that. There are certain limits... I mean, I would never ask anyone to do something drastic like send me $ or vice-versa, just as an off the top of my head example. After having thought about that, I can also appreciate the view-point of Inde, it is insightful to me.
I do get Calling Cards from everyone that I talk to, even griefers. I guess it would just be nice to have friends of all kinds. A way to distinguish people you admire and want to listen to, from the ones that you're still not too sure about. That's what being a friend on here means to me. ...Why is this not shared with a majority of others as well? I understand the view-point, but it also feels very cold and detached at some level... is this generally the direction the human race is taking?
Going back to my first point, being that sometimes SL balances out the lives of others who are a bit more estranged from the functionality of the human race... Friendship does cost nothing to do here. And no, I am not keeping score. I have been around for a while (although I did leave for 5 years, and yes, real life does have to come first, so I may take long breaks). But I do enjoy networking, and feeling more "love" here when real life cannot afford it. Sometimes both worlds are very lonely, and I wish it weren't. I even have friends on my list that are no longer alive. They meant something to me. It hurts to just throw them away by deleting them.
...So I guess my questions/concerns are...
Am I too genuine for an interface like this? Is this really how the majority of people feel on SL (or for that matter, in reality in general)? - As if there is no person with feelings on the other side of their screen? Or maybe I am reading too deeply into it? - After all, if I could find the strength to organize my inventory, I guess I could just rely on Calling Cards... But what does that say about how deep the friendship is? It's hard enough to tell your true friends in reality, but in Second Life, it almost seems harder. I come here for an escape of reality and joy, yet I find it sometimes makes me sadder. ...How do I just stop caring so much? And how do I keep myself from not caring enough? I have no idea how to make a healthy balance here when I discover new twists to what I thought was tangible. ...Is that hurt and confusion why so many don't like simply being friends?
Upon giving her this NC, I did incidentally post this in a "Loading..." profile pick she helped me to get (that I originally reserved for more links to this blog):
http://www.anachronsounds.de/webfiles/lyrics/Noire/god_of_all.htm
There are no more fucks to give, you never cared anyway. This little olive branch of trying to supplement real life, while you judge me for all the bad and not the good? ...Go fuck yourself.
That's how hurt I was.
(Just to be clear, Lindal and I have never been officially on each others' friends list. I just admire and respect her. ...Maybe never felt I was quite "on her level" enough to be "friend-friends"... Although I would thoroughly enjoy being her friend -on her friend list, that is ...I just never gave it much thought, because someone like this, I feel, I need to wait for them to request it first ... And if they're still a wonderful person who treats you well without having added you, well, then, there's nothing wrong with that at all!)
But anyway, after a day or so, Lindal did kindly respond to my NC and explained things a bit better...
She did acknowledge that my questions were valid, and she took the time to discuss them in more depth with a return NC (as she said I raised some very good points and that she didn't think there were really yes/no or black/white sort of answers to them). Although she warned me that a lot of what she might say boils down to "it depends" and "people differ," I still found her return NC very thoughtful and helpful, so that's why I'd like to try paraphrasing what she shared with me, in hopes that if you get butt-hurt like me, regarding this certain issue... perhaps this will help make you feel a bit better, as it certainly did me!
She talked about Calling Cards first. You do get one from everyone you have an IM conversation with, but it may or may not have always been that way. She did say that in the old days, some ppl would offer their Calling Card to others if they (or the other person) didn't necessarily feel their relationship was at the "friend list" level yet (she noted that it was more like a "data point" - which is different than a "friendship type" of relationship). ...It's been a decade, but somewhere in the back of my mind, it seems extremely plausible that Calling Cards had to be handed out at one point, because they didn't just automatically get distributed whenever you spoke in IM.
She also said that she noticed that when her alt TPs somewhere, it takes less time than her, because her alt's inventory and friends list is much smaller. She gives credit to Desmond Shang for once pointing out that having a really large friends list is like having a really large inventory, and can affect your performance (which is why she tries to keep her friends at no more than 200). ...Now, me, on the other hand, I don't really give a shit ...One day, I will invest in another computer that will be badass enough to handle all the friends/mesh/etc. I invest in. I attribute the poor performance of SL on my current laptop to the fact that it's old, I run a million programs with multiple screens all at once (and the poor thing handles it quite nicely for being over 5 years old, BTW -maybe closer to 10 years, actually!), and I'm not as rich as I'd like to pretend I am, LOL. And then years later, I will just have to invest in another computer... over and over, as technology constantly "improves" itself. ...I guess I might notice more deterioration of my SL experience if my friends list gets over 200 (pretty close, but not yet). ...My inventory, on the other hand... But I'm not worried about it yet. I will make do and let fate take me where I need to go. I cannot necessarily speak for the creators of things like SL, viewers, objects and avatar accessories. It's a give and a take, and my priorities have more to do with my legacy than equipment. But yeah, that's my POV on the kind of quality and value I seek. Hopefully, you will join me in this fabulous ride too.
She additionally brought up something about Firestorm that I had never considered (or even knew what it was for), the Contact Sets feature. By using Contact Sets, you can organize your friends into different categories that might be something like "Casual Acquaintances," "Dear Friends," or even "Lovers." ...I will definitely be looking further into this and making it work for me! *Also makes a reference to that Speed Dial episode on "Seinfeld" and is grateful that nobody will know, LOL*Now as for the emotional part, her answer here seemed to help me a lot as well. It is true that some people view certain people as "close friends" versus "other friends" quite differently sometimes. For some, an online friendship is casual. For instance, if their friend disappears, never calls again, or even deletes them, it's "no big thing." While, for others, online relationships are very deep and real. She pointed to some situations that started off as simple online friendships, but had then later developed into RL marriages. But she did add her thoughts, that most of us fall into a larger spectrum of in between the "casual" and the "deep." Just where exactly we fall on that line, depends on the particular relationship too. ...I'm sure each of us has some friends that we wouldn't necessarily notice if they deleted us, or if we deleted them. But on the other hand, if you lost one of your dear friends, it can be very painful (which can be especially true if you're in love).
The problem that sometimes happens, is when someone is a dear friend to you, but you are only a casual acquaintance to them... which seems is what happened when this last friend deleted me. However, true friends tend to forgive each other too. People also do tend to delete a friend by mistake here and there.
Lindal also acknowledged that another thing to do in a situation like this, would be to reach out to your old friend and tell them that they hurt you. She further explained that online, we don't necessarily have facial expressions, body language, or vocal nuances (that we have in RL), to communicate our unspoken message. They will never know how you feel unless you actually type out the words. But do try to keep it short. A long rambling letter a couple days after the incident, is less effective than dealing with something very quickly right when it happens.
Communication is a very important thing to have when defining a relationship. She furthermore said that you should let your friends know how YOU feel about friendship, both in general terms and in how you feel about that particular relationship with that particular person. That is important. I didn't know you could actually talk about stuff like that with friends! -I thought you just had to "wing it" "by not touching the butterfly wings (so that the butterfly continues to fly)."
There's one way to tell your real friends (in SL or RL)... And that is that your real friends are the ones that are there for you when you need them. ...Sometimes you may find that your very best friend is some stranger that you've barely met. And sometimes, sadly, people who you thought were friends turn out to be complete strangers. It's true anywhere (and is just a part of being human).
Thank you, Lindal. I will. ♥
And thank you for reading this. I hope it helps you understand what friendship means in SL, in general, and to me.
Be well, everyone.
