...I missed you, especially on my birthday, today.
It's sincerely unfair that you left Earth without me having one last meaningful visit with you. I wish to hell and back that I had tried to contact your brother when my Dad first gave me his number, some few, odd years ago.
You are now the 2nd person who's left, without me knowing, until at least a year later ...which is completely FUBAR.
I sincerely believe things would've turned out quite different if I had attempted to refind you more intensely, instead of simply relying on email... You never responded/acknowledged that I changed my email address, I guess I thought you were just as busy as I was with unfinished projects... and, well, fuck 2013 - 2015 (and shit beyond) for all of that too.
I could've maybe convinced you to see my new house. One room here, could likely fit my WHOLE apartment inside it! ...I think I could've also convinced you to see the midlife crisis car. ...Or maybe I could have just simply gone to see you. Fuck. ...At any rate, it may have been reinforced that you still had an anchor, and vice-versa, and maybe you'd still fucking be here. Humans are stupid and selfish.
Speaking of such, thank you for coming to my rescue when you did, and for sticking around for as long as you could. It's odd that our family will "fight to the death over who makes the best stuffing," to the point where I didn't even know you or your side of the family until I was a teenager. I'm particularly fond of everything you did and how you were. From the first time we met, and you reflected your laser light on a crystal... To the smashed pumpkin walk to Inner Journeys, where I got to tell you about all the radio DJs. Neopets, which taught and gave me everything. All the 12+ hour phone calls. All the weekend runaway visits. ALL the think-tank bullshit conversations that made drives around Hollyweird somehow end up in front of ridiculously named places like Jumbo's Clown Room, LMAO. And all the emails I managed to save, that I just reread, am thankful for, and wish there were more of ...You are the shit.
I totally drew you perfectly in my high school math book, as some sorta secret shrine, and passed the idea of hope back into the pool of angst, without ever looking back. I think it is fucking glorious how your mind worked. The fact that you man-overboarded into the Puget Sound to let them know how serious you were about quitting the Navy, to be with your wife. The fact that you wanted to live like a Taoist and find yourself. The fact that nobody really understood or appreciated it all ...I do not think ppl like us are necessarily meant for this world anyway.
So I am glad that you won't have to endure any more fuckery, but I'm happy it inadvertently made you a godsend. I fucking miss you. You're a complete asshat for leaving this last decade vacant. And I'm a complete fuckup for not knowing how to listen to you until it's too late. ...Tell your Mom and Dad I said hi and that I miss them too. Also look for my RL Mom's sister, my last surrogate Mom that I briefly told you about, Bakki, and Kit-Kat too.
And now I realize where all those pennies and missing pairs of clothing in the wash came from, this past year and a half.
-Babe
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