...I missed you, especially on my birthday, today.
It's sincerely unfair that you left Earth without me having one last meaningful visit with you. I wish to hell and back that I had tried to contact your brother when my Dad first gave me his number, some few, odd years ago.
You are now the 2nd person who's left, without me knowing, until at least a year later ...which is completely FUBAR.
I sincerely believe things would've turned out quite different if I had attempted to refind you more intensely, instead of simply relying on email... You never responded/acknowledged that I changed my email address, I guess I thought you were just as busy as I was with unfinished projects... and, well, fuck 2013 - 2015 (and shit beyond) for all of that too.
I could've maybe convinced you to see my new house. One room here, could likely fit my WHOLE apartment inside it! ...I think I could've also convinced you to see the midlife crisis car. ...Or maybe I could have just simply gone to see you. Fuck. ...At any rate, it may have been reinforced that you still had an anchor, and vice-versa, and maybe you'd still fucking be here. Humans are stupid and selfish.
Speaking of such, thank you for coming to my rescue when you did, and for sticking around for as long as you could. It's odd that our family will "fight to the death over who makes the best stuffing," to the point where I didn't even know you or your side of the family until I was a teenager. I'm particularly fond of everything you did and how you were. From the first time we met, and you reflected your laser light on a crystal... To the smashed pumpkin walk to Inner Journeys, where I got to tell you about all the radio DJs. Neopets, which taught and gave me everything. All the 12+ hour phone calls. All the weekend runaway visits. ALL the think-tank bullshit conversations that made drives around Hollyweird somehow end up in front of ridiculously named places like Jumbo's Clown Room, LMAO. And all the emails I managed to save, that I just reread, am thankful for, and wish there were more of ...You are the shit.
I totally drew you perfectly in my high school math book, as some sorta secret shrine, and passed the idea of hope back into the pool of angst, without ever looking back. I think it is fucking glorious how your mind worked. The fact that you man-overboarded into the Puget Sound to let them know how serious you were about quitting the Navy, to be with your wife. The fact that you wanted to live like a Taoist and find yourself. The fact that nobody really understood or appreciated it all ...I do not think ppl like us are necessarily meant for this world anyway.
So I am glad that you won't have to endure any more fuckery, but I'm happy it inadvertently made you a godsend. I fucking miss you. You're a complete asshat for leaving this last decade vacant. And I'm a complete fuckup for not knowing how to listen to you until it's too late. ...Tell your Mom and Dad I said hi and that I miss them too. Also look for my RL Mom's sister, my last surrogate Mom that I briefly told you about, Bakki, and Kit-Kat too.
And now I realize where all those pennies and missing pairs of clothing in the wash came from, this past year and a half.
-Babe
I made the AI do it too.
I made it be a new age Ouija board and try to let you speak to me thru it too.
It kinda maybe worked, in its own little algorithmic sorta try-hard way.
I am sad without you.
You should be sad with me at my job.
But then again, I don't think we'd be sad together at my job, we'd fucking rule for eons
and we wouldn't even give one glorious iota shit.
Fuck you for making me miss you so goddamned much.
It would have been neat to make like a shiny patent leathery "Alien" type of manticore in the AI, all creepy, with 3 layers of teeth (even in its fur) being gloriously sexified with the succubus... But it kept telling me that borderline content was inappropriate, LOL!
Oh, well!
...Since we were both dead when we were living, maybe the polarity of essence comes full circle ☯
And in case I didn't say it enough...
Fuck You for abandoning me in this forsaken realm alone
I will try to make up for your lost efforts that you couldn't fulfill, but no promises ...except to maybe come back to you one day
♥
you fucker
Grant went to hell and back to get your ashes from those bureaucratic pandemic fucks, and my phone connection was so shitty that I don't know if you went to the sea, the air, or stayed in the pot.
...I did manage to send you Zamargad, tho...
So I will see you again there, at least
Minus all the restrictive prim nonsense
And input with all the glorious Blizzard stuff too
I think your Neopets would've liked that
I just can't believe you didn't realize I would've killed for you and you left without letting me do it
kuc foy
Alright, well, it unravelled. The whole thing. I tried pinpointing the last time I saw you. And the scary snippets started popping. I pieced them together and still maybe am.
I confirmed with her to repress it. It was very bad timing. We were about to start LI. I only wanted to remember the good of you. But I can confirm, as you were a very integral part of my life ... yet you were nowhere in my LI timeline.
I got the snippets of a side of you that I had never even fathomed before. It was fucking scary, even tho you did warn me. I know you gave me a choice, but I cannot remember what that choice was. Blue eyes, as black and blacker as the empty. Constantly excusing yourself to the other room to do more, since I was too scared to try, and could only watch you. I mean, one of us had to be able to call 911 if need be. ...The black lace thing that I can't even recall if I actually wore or not. You sitting Indian-style on the bed with me in front of my suitcase, saying, "Kiss me," over and over again, in a challenging manner, like I wasn't accepting of you ...and I could do nothing but freeze. You see, it's not that I didn't want to. It's that I kept thinking, "Not like this." And I saw you pouting on the other couch. You, in front of the sliding glass doors, talking to me about how I had blinders on, because I couldn't see the bigger picture. I thought maybe it was because I was hell-bent on things like marriage and such... yeah, we crazy chance ppl coming together in the most beautiful way would be nice & damn what the others thought ...but, yeah, what if it didn't work? Still be stuck together, but apart, and the aftermath waves of that. I couldn't handle that. And I didn't know if you could either. And yeah, I got your frustration. Of all the asshat men I dated, that you even comforted me thru, versus all the years you put in, being very appropriate... I certainly felt like a very guilty, awful tease.
And I remember your Dad coming home. Maybe early from his weekend date... just to sternly say your name. And I feared for you even more. Maybe out of codependence, I have no clue. I think he asked if I was okay, but he abruptly told me I better go on home. So I did.
I called shortly after. Maybe to even defend you to your Dad. I remember him saying you left and that he'd tell you to call me. I remember him saying you left "of your own accord." You called me from WA. You said your Dad and you "had words." I guess you needed to get your life together, but never did. I also remember telling your Dad about the LI and the repression. He said he understood these types of therapy things, as I guess him and your Mom really went thru it too. I don't recall what was said or how it was done so that I sounded so lucid but absolutely did not remember having this memory repressed later on. Your Dad verified that he was impressed, tho, I remember that part.
And I remember a phone call you made to me. Maybe a few of them. It was obvious your Dad told you what I said about the therapy. I heard you trying to test me, to see if it was real. And although I do not recall everything of what was said, I know you heard me verify it to you from the distance between my head and my heart. I even think you tried the same tricks your Dad maybe did, where you could softly ask me what happened, or maybe some leading questions that I absolutely do not remember how I answered, other than factually and distantly. ...At best I think I could get to the point where I was getting upset at this "stupid game" you "were playing" and that it was "hurting my feelings" or "scaring me" and to "please stop," because I honestly did successfully repress that last visit, and your questions to me made you sound inebriated and scary. Looking back, I can tell it was shock and disbelief and sadness. I questioned you on how you said you had to come back to CA to fix your license situation, and I was upset you never stopped by to say hi, because I absolutely did not get why you left.
And I know the last phone call was something similar. A cautious re-verification. I remember you saying you were sorry, that it wasn't my fault, and that you loved me. I remember you called me "babe." To all that, I think I told you it wasn't your fault either. That it was my life; I was broken, and nothing should stand in the way of stability. And I knew that the outsider who spoke thru me, while this memory was still repressed, took control as best it could, and I know you knew that... verifiably thru the omission or not, of text versus voice. But, yeah. I wanted to immediately call you back and ask you when you were coming back from the halfway houses of homeless city, because I missed you a lot.
I did not get it. I was there, but not really.
And you were gone. You wanted me to be stable. You loved me that much, for my own good, I guess.
You dropped all contact.
And left the world completely, quite a few years later.
We were both secretly sick.
And maybe read too deeply into the black and blacker as the empty.
...Fuck you to all the assfucks who made me fight so much for every little piece of sanity during the severe lack of quality-of-life things these past few months, that provoked this awful thing to resurface.
I give it back to you all now, in the clearest mirror ever, so you can all deal with yourselves and see how awful and inconsiderate you all are, instead.
Fix yourselves, humanity. Then maybe others will want to actually partake in it, too.
